Is this any good? it's in honor of my baby brother...?

im 14 and a girl. I want to put out a message of how bad childhood cancer is. I wrote out a story about my little brothers story. I'm planing on trying to see if they will print it in our local paper. here's what i wrote:

Liam (not going to print his last name on here) was born on January 1th 2008. He was born a healthy baby, nothing was wrong with him. From the moment he was able to smile he was always finding ways to make others smile. He celebrated his first birthday with a party and loved opening presents. He had a check up and was a perfect happy little boy that won over every ones heart. when people where around him they couldn't help but smile, no matter what.



When Liam was 2 he had another check up and everything was ok. But when he was 2 and a half he begain getting sick. He stopped smile, at first he was screaming and crying, but got week really fast, stopped eating and hadn't had a dirty nappie in days. He was taken to the hospital to get cheek out. The doctors said that he was ok and gave him antibiotics. The next day they got a call from the hospital, saying that they were to bring liam into the hospital immediately. When they arrived Liam was taken away for more tests. Liam's parents were told that Liam has Leukemia and he needs to stay in hospital for a while. Liam got worse and was only just making it through each day. But Liam was a fighter and things begain to look up. December 1st 2010 he got told that he was cancer free and that he could go home. He was happy but still wasn't quite himself . On christmas day 2010 Liam wasn't feeling very well and at lunch time he started vomiting blood. Liam was rushed to hospital. He had not gotten rid of the horrible disease. He spent his 3rd birthday having a bone marrow transplant. Over the next few months he would get a little bit better then just collapse. On the 19th of April 2011 he had a operation to try to remove his cancer. He today, is in a comma. He woke up on 24th of april and is in intensive care.



"Don't cry" Liam said this to his mum before he went into the operation on the 19th of April. Get well soon little Liam.



I know that the punctuation is really bad. Im not very good at writing. Is there any way to make it better. im planing to send it to the paper on monday so if there's any news about Liam im going add the in. is this good? what else can i do?Is this any good? it's in honor of my baby brother...?
I would hold off sending it to the paper just yet and asking your english teacher to edit it. Frankly, I'm the type of person to strip it all down and rewrite it because this seems more like a loose first draft of the kind of things that you want to say, rather than the finished project. You need to spend more time on this. It's a touching story but the flow of it is jarring and in some places repetitive. It reads "statement, period. statement, period. statement period." - that's not how a story should go. You also use past forms and switch to present forms once it's known he has leukemia. It just could use a LOT of work and you really need to go over it again. If you really care that much of sending your brother's story (which I REALLY hope you have your parent's permission to do), you'll wait to make sure it's the best it can be. I'm not expecting Pulitzer quality work but something that will hold a reader for more than two sentences.

*Add:
In the ending it is also slightly confusing. You say: "He, today, is in a coma." Then you state, "He woke up on the 24th". He's either in a coma or he's awake - pick one or clarify more.Is this any good? it's in honor of my baby brother...?
Your an amazing big sister! Good Luck liam keep fighting!!Is this any good? it's in honor of my baby brother...?
It was touching and thoughtful! You really love your little brother.





and it needs a very happy ending if you ask me.



I hope everything works out!!!! Best wishes to your family.